Kathleen R. Hogue, DRE
We are one, a diverse group of proudly kindred spirits, here not by coincidence but because we choose to journey together. We are active and proactive. We care deeply. We live our love as best we care.
We are one, working, eating, laughing, playing, singing, storytelling, sharing, and rejoicing, getting to know each other, taking risks, opening up, questioning, seeking, searching, trying to understand, struggling, making mistakes, paying attention, asking questions, listening, living our answers, learning to love our neighbors, learning to love ourselves, apologizing and forgiving with humility, and being forgiven through grace, creating the beloved community together. We are one.
Today I am going to tell you all about small group ministry. Unitarian Universalist Small Group Ministry and Covenant Groups emerged in the late 1990’s. Peter Bowden, co-founder of the Unitarian Universalist (UU) Small Group Ministry Network, defines small group ministry in “Getting Started with Small Group Ministry” (UU Planet Ministry & Media, 2007) as “a way of ‘doing church’ which strives to deepen and expand the ministry of a congregation using an intentional system of lay led small groups. “Small Group Ministry continues to be a vital part of UU congregations, with about 70% of Unitarian Universalist congregations including this as an integral part of “doing church.” Congregations use various names for their groups, such as Small Group Ministry, Covenant Groups, Chalice Circles, Heart to Heart etc. “Small Group Ministry” focuses on the structure and mission. “Covenant” states that the groups work in an intentionally relational manner. Both the ministry and the covenant are essential.
Before we get to the really important point of why you would want to become involved in small group ministry, I will share with you a brief description of what the groups include.
BASIC ELEMENTS OF SMALL GROUP MINISTRY
Three agreements between the groups and the congregation as a whole are suggested:
*To abide by a set of relationship ground rules, frequently called a covenant. This includes ways to listen and to be heard.
*To welcome new members to the group or to the program overall, keeping the groups open to new people and new ideas.
*To engage in service to the congregation and larger world. This helps the group deepen its internal relationships, increases the connection with the congregation, and gives from the abundance of the group experience.
Leadership has two functions which can be done by one person or shared: The Group Leaders are chosen and trained by the minister(s) and/or designated lay leadership as shared ministry. Group Leaders meet with the minister/lay leadership for spiritual support, enhancing group development, and awareness of new resources. The Session Facilitator leads a meeting of the group, using basic facilitation skills, and assists with upholding the model during the meeting. This can be done by one person or rotated within the group.
The Session plan is a guide and a springboard for discussion.
The Standard Format includes:
*An opening that introduces but does not guide the topic.
*A check-in during which each person briefly shares about such questions as, “What’s most on your mind today?” or “How is it with your spirit today?”
*Readings on the topic.
*A time for the focus or theme of the meeting with sharing from personal stories, and learning from listening to others, rather than wanting others to agree with a perspective.
*The check-out/likes and wishes gives opportunity for each participant to say how the session was for them.
*A closing reading.
Why Small Group Ministry?
Small group Ministry helps build community and provides opportunities for deeper relationships.
About twelve years ago while working for the UU church of Tucson in Arizona, I met Kathy Wilczek. Kathy had joined a Covenant Circle group that I was leading. Kathy was vibrant, compassionate, always willing to share, and often annoying. Over the next couple of years, Kathy continued in the Covenant Circle program, always in whatever group I was leading. As she became more comfortable with the process, she eventually became what we call a facilitator of her own group. She ended up being a great leader. She also became my friend. This happened pretty much on the first day when I shared that my daughter had let our young female cat out of the house and that the cat was now going to have kittens. Kathy blurted out, “I want one!” Completely against the covenant that we shared in our group about how we were to communicate. But that started our friendship. When the kittens “Scotty, Kirk, Bones and Spock” were born, Kathy visited her special kitty Bones at least three times each week and bonded not only with the cat but with my entire family. She loved playing cards with my son Jimmy and they both had a thing for Seinfeld. Following that first year, we had dinner, went to movies, went on trips and shared holidays together along with her husband, Otto. We did service work together, feeding the hungry and helping the homeless. We shared good times and bad including the passing of my Kitty Spock and my move away from Tucson.
We shared family relationship heartbreaks and triumphs. Another thing we shared was my other friend Barbara. Barbara and my son Jimmy had been paired up many years before that in our Secret Friends program. Her and Kathy hit it off right away which ended up being a really good thing after I left Tucson.
Kathy was able to come and visit me in Los Angeles a few years ago. I invited her to come and do an art show at my congregation in Santa Monica. She did some beautiful pieces. We also talked on the phone often about the state of the world and tried to solve many world problems. Kathy died a couple of months ago before being able to come and see me here in Ohio.
My bedroom is decorated with many of her paintings. I call my room “Where the Desert meets the Sea”.
Now why do I tell you about Kathy? I tell you because my relationship with Kathy and the other relationships that Kathy developed with many others within and beyond the church are a testament to what small group ministry can do. Peter Bowden says: At the heart of healthy congregations and life/world changing ministries we find 1) strong relationships, 2) engagement with meaningful issues, 3) leadership/leadership development, and 4) inspired action. Small group ministry contains all four of these elements.
The Power and Promise of SGM are Intimacy, Ultimacy and Growth.
Intimacy or connection. Intimacy is increased depth of relationship that comes from meeting over time, willingness and ability to listen without comment or advice, to learn from others, and to share from the soul, beyond the surface.
Rev. Peter Morales says this about connection:
“Spirituality is impossible to define and difficult to describe.
For me, it feels like connection—connection to myself, to others around me, to the earth and all of creation. Connection to myself feels like deep peace, awareness, calm, authenticity. Connection to others feels like compassion, community, acceptance, and enduring love.
Spirituality is not an idea; it is an experience.
When I experience connection, dividing lines disappear. Inner conflict gives way to integrity. The line that separates my individuality from others fades; we become one. I find connections with my deepest self in times of solitary practice and reflection. I find connection with others in community, often in worship.
Ultimacy is the opportunity for deeper spiritual exploration and search for meaning – the opportunity to consider life issues. Ultimacy focuses on meaning and significance, rather than details, information or outcome.
Growth: In the process of deep listening and sharing, participants learn and practice a different way of being together and of developing leadership. Small Group Ministry provides opportunities to grow leaders and the potential to grow churches in numbers, and in generosity, cooperation, and sense of well-being. This growth occurs when people are connected.
Another benefit of Small Group Ministry is nurturing a sense of belonging– one of our basic human needs. William R. Bradford writes “Within each of us there is an intense need to feel that we belong. This feeling of unity and togetherness comes through the warmth of a smile, a handshake, or a hug, through laughter and unspoken demonstrations of love. It comes in the quiet, reverent moments of soft conversation and in listening.”
In our groups like Covenant Circles or Heart 2 Heart Groups such as the one at the UU Church of Santa Monica, participants share in a circle without interrupting, without crosstalk and without feedback. This is a very intentional way of listening. It is uncomfortable at first and can seem a little awkward. But it is all a part of the covenant that we agree to when we join the group. “True belonging, says Brene Brown, is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.”
In our groups we get to talk about things we do not have the opportunity to talk about elsewhere. Let’s try this. I want you to think of a response to this question: “Describe a time when you have felt lost” Now think about it for about a minute. I will sound a bell when the time is up. What came up for you? Did you think of a time when you were actually lost maybe in a mall, a park or a long road somewhere out in the middle of nowhere? Did you think of the time when you did not know what school to go to, or what job to take? Did you maybe think about when a friend or a loved one was hurting or dying and you did not know what to do? Sometimes the sharing is hard, sometimes it brings up happy memories, sometimes it even brings up hope and new revelations for our own life or for others in the group. This is the “Ministry” part of Small Group Ministry. It is the process or act of caring or being present with another. This relates to the spiritual as well as the physical and emotional well-being of the group participants.
Often involvement leads to transformation for individuals and entire congregations.
Skills and practices from the individual groups carry into other parts of church life. *Starting and ending committee meetings with the lighting of a chalice and/or pausing for check in and check-out adds the relational aspect to what we do within congregational life.
There is increased listening and communication beyond the groups, such as at congregational meetings. We begin to see and hear each other with a new perspective and we take that into our wider world with our relationships at home, at work and at school. By learning, discovering new perspectives, and working towards deeper understanding of ourselves, one another, and our world we become part of a greater whole working for peace and justice.
The Church Has Left the Building by Margaret Weis
The church is not a place; it is a people.
The church is not only a steeple above the treeline, streets, and cars.
Rather, it is a people proclaiming to the world that
we are here for the work of healing and of justice.
The church is not walls built stone upon stone, held together by mortar
but rather person, linked with person, linked with person:
all ages and genders and abilities—
a community built on the foundation of reason, faith, and love.
The church is not just a set of doors open on Sunday morning,
but the commitment day after day, and moment after moment,
of our hearts creaking open the doors of welcome to the possibility of new experience and radical welcome.
The church is not simply a building, a steeple, a pew.
The church is the gathering together of all the people, and experiences,
and fear, and love, and hope in our resilient hearts;
gathering, however we can, to say to the world:
welcome, come in, lay down your heartache, and pick up hope and love.
For the church is us—each and every one of us—together,
a beacon of hope to this world that so sorely needs it.