Rev. Joseph Boyd Nick Flynn wrote a memoir about his father who was always in some kind of trouble: prison, living all over the country where his mother couldn’t track him, and about all the ways his father influenced his life, even in absence. His father was a writer who one day said he was guaranteed to write the great American novel, and when he did write to his son, Nick, assured him that publishing success was imminent. Years later, Nick himself would become a writer, someone who got published and was quite well respected. Before he reached that point however, he worked at a homeless shelter in Boston, and his job was to do intake: to take in homeless people who came into the shelter, taking down their name and introducing them to the beds, meals, and homeless shelter rules. One day as he was taking intake, sitting at the front desk, his father walked in after being absent in his life for decades, and his father came in seeking a bed in the homeless shelter he worked at.
Out of that meeting, came a transformation for Nick – understanding the ways he was like his father, the ways he hoped he wouldn’t be, and the long mature journey of learning to accept your father as a human being, no more, no less. His father actually helped him to stop drinking – he struggled in ways that were similar to his father, and seeing the toll that took on him inspired him to make different choices.
That is something I’ve come to respect more and more over the last few years. Sometimes people come into your life and inspire you because they embody something you find attractive or healing or life giving. But some people come into our life and inspire us by showing us how we don’t want to be. It’s actually an equally powerful teaching; one that I think deserves considerable respect. Some people teach us how we don’t want to be or where we don’t want to end up, and can equally inspire us to make life giving choices, or at least want to.
Nick writes about all his father’s foibles as well as his own. Nick’s father is a chronic liar with delusions of grandeur, lying about what he has accomplished or where he’s been or who knows him. One of the stories he tells Nick is that his grandfather invented life preservers, the vests that allow you to float to the top of the water, to save you from drowning. Nick of course assumes this is yet another lie, but it’s actually the truth. He discovers that when he’s researching for his memoir: he finds his grandfather’s patent records and drawings.
I read this memoir nearly 15 years ago, and I’ve always remembered it. I remember it because what I personally got from the memoir is that the most important thing a father can give you is something left undone, something that you have to complete in your lifetime. That something left undone could be a way of being a parent, a way of being a person, a project or ambition. It’s a great gift when a father leaves something important undone, sometimes a hard gift to grapple with, but valuable if we know how to receive it.
Eventually Nick Flynn’s memoir was made into a Hollywood movie that was released a few years ago called Being Flynn, and Robert DeNiro plays his father, and Paul Dano plays him in his twenties working in this homeless shelter in Boston. Nick was on set while they were making the film, and they were filming the scene when Robert DeNiro who is playing his father comes up the front desk, and his son recognizes it’s his father who he hasn’t seen for decades. They did more than 15 takes of this scene, and Nick said watching that scene changed his life. He said he wished the whole movie would’ve been an hour and half of different takes of that scene, all the different ways that father and child could meet each other.
There are endless ways we can meet our father. We can meet them with gratitude, with respect, with compassion. We can also meet our fathers with bitterness, grief, sadness. I think all those meetings and much more are valid. There are endless ways we can choose to meet our fathers, and it might take us a long time to realize that. For some, it seems there is no other way to meet their father except for a few different ways, depending on the relationship. But there are endless ways; every conceivable human emotion is there in that meeting: need and self-sufficiency, tenderness and toughness, intimacy and apartness.
At the end of the memoir Nick’s father casually remarks as they’re driving that he’s planted all the trees in Boston, and as they drive he points and says: and that one, points again: and that one. Nick ends the book with saying he has the urge to open the passenger side door and kick his father out of the moving car, but he doesn’t. It’s a funny way to end the book, but perfect.
By then you know that he clearly loves his father, and how his father has influenced his life, namely his ambition to be a successful writer. But his father still gets under his skin, as anyone we are tied to, often does. There are layers there, always.
As many of you know Juneteenth was made a national holiday this year. More people know about Juneteenth this year, more than any time in history. It’s the story of the Union army who went to Texas, the outskirts of the confederacy, and enforced the Emancipation Proclamation two years after it was passed. For two years, slaves in Texas were living in a country where slavery was illegal, and yet they lived as slaves until they were notified that this was true, and the law was enforced and made real. From that acknowledgement: that they were actually free in that moment, and truthfully free on paper according to the law two and a half years prior, there was spontaneous celebration. That celebration was about freedom, progress, and never giving up hope.
Celebrations spread with migration up North, and even the West Coast – California. During the World Wars, Juneteenth celebrations were seen as threats to patriotism, a reminder of the gap between law and practice. And the celebrations dwindled and nearly died out because of perceived threats from white citizens. Even during the 1950’s-1960’s there were few Juneteenth celebrations because of the threat of violence from white citizens adjusting to new legislation won by the Civil Rights Movement. It’s found a kind of resurrection the last few years, and this last year in particular, and I’ve been reflecting on why that might be. Of course it’s happening in the aftermath of worldwide protests for George Floyd and many other black citizens killed by police, but I think there are other reasons too. I think it’s a celebration that recognizes there is a gap between what is real, lived experience and narratives about what is real, including the law. It’s a celebration that seeks to close that gap between what is supposed to be true and what is actually true.
Closing the gap is the main point of the celebration, righting what has been wrong. I’ve known people who feel that their father was so good at something, that they couldn’t measure up. They had a certain skill or way of being that seemed out of reach for them. It’s an admirable quality, but one that can separate, instead of bringing us closer to our fathers.
Closing the gap is about being willing to go outside of our comfort zone to find out what is real, and what could be real. It’s finding out who we are, by meeting someone with a different lived experience of being alive. It’s finding out the ways that we adjust too easily to what we think is real without checking and validating it for ourselves.
Father’s Day is a day to check in and validate what is real for ourselves. We get a chance to check in with our feelings for our father. We might get to meet them today or sometime soon, and remind ourselves what they really like. Or if they’ve passed, we get to reflect on how they still live through our life, our choices.
We get to see their life in ours. We get to reflect on the ways we are in the world, and how that has been influenced by our fathers in numerous ways. If we have children, that becomes more poignant, seeing how our father has impacted what we hope would be real.
There are many great fathers alive today. There are many great fathers that are remembered fondly on this day. I think of the time we are living in, and fathers that are able to play an active role in closing the gap between what was supposed to be real but wasn’t. I think of the role of fathers in helping children but really all of us, to have a greater acceptance of ourselves, and who we could be. I think of fathers who have Trans kids, children who are questioning their sexuality, their gender, questioning their place in the world. I think of the awesome power that fathers have to play a role in helping a young person to hold and live into these important questions, with kindness and courage.
It is certainly a great time to be alive. It’s a great time to honor our fathers by seeing what they’ve given us, sometimes in loving presence, sometimes in absence. It’s a great time to see what is left undone, and what is ours to do, or what is ours to continue. Something I really appreciated about my father was that he made people feel important. He did that for me, and he did that for many people, even strangers; deli clerks, waiters, government employees. He also left a lot undone, which has been a huge gift. Learning how to live a life that is true for me, and in doing so I honor my father. It helps close the gap.
I know for many of us, including myself, our fathers are not here physically with us on this day. But that doesn’t mean they’re any less alive, sometimes in absence, I found mine is more alive. I hope you’re able to enjoy your day today, and honor your father with the choices you make, or at least intend to make. I find it nice to think of one thing I’m grateful for from my father, and I think it’s important to say: I love you.
If your father is alive, and if it’s safe for you to do so, tell them you love them. If your father has passed, say “I love you,” just to yourself. Your father is actually there listening, because they are part of you.
If you’re a father, know that you are a father during one of the most important times in human history. If that sounds like a statement for a superhero, I think you’re understanding correctly. A father is often a superhero for their children, raised to great heights of admiration through sheer love. There is a great yearning for fathers here in Youngstown and around this world. Even if you have children, consider being a father figure, a mentor for someone who is trying to find themselves in this world. Help close the gap between what is and what could be.
A father is a model of being a person. For most of us, maybe all of us actually, we get a model that is quite particular. Even if we didn’t know our father, our imagination gives us a particular image to live into or chafe against.
But I think eventually, for some of us, we come to the conclusion that it is really important to love our fathers. For some, this is a no brainer and without significant complication. It’s natural, beautiful, and wonderful. If that’s true for you, celebrate that. It’s wonderful to have a father you connect with, and who you can show love and appreciation without reservation. For many of us, that love may feel like a more complex journey, but I would argue just as important. Those fathers who are complex, teach us to love ourselves as complex people, teach us to love what we can offer and where we fall short. They teach us how to be sometimes by teaching us how to not be. That’s a great teaching.
Remember there are endless ways you can meet your father. On this day, I’m interested in meeting my father with a mix of curiosity, awe and gratitude. That’s the variation that feels right on this day. However you choose to meet your father on this day, may it help close the gap. .May it help you to close the gap between what is and what could be.
