“Resolutions, Conflict, and Interconnectedness”
January 1, 2012
Mark Debruin and Sarah Jordan
Preamble
Mark: Some of you may know that I used to teach high school. In teaching you learn to repeat the message several times. So I am going to tell you what I am going to tell you. If you listen closely you will learn the secret to having riches, learn how to resolve or minimize conflict, and learn how to strengthen New Year’s Resolutions. All in one service.
Sarah: Several year’s ago Mark DeBruin was the treasurer at the UU church in Reynoldsburg, a suburb of Columbus. He attended training from the Ohio-Meadville District about changes that churches experience, especially when they transition from a smaller church size to a larger church size or when the demographics of a church dramatically change. Usually these changes result in a lot of conflict. We will explores some of the lessons learned that can hopefully deepen your relationships here. Theoretically, if you can understand where the other person is coming from, then that will help minimize the likelihood of conflict.
Chalice Lighting
Sarah: Conflict can happen in all sorts of things even the most trivial. At the church I grew up in they typically said the same chalice lighting reading each week. There is something to be said against doing the same old thing especially if it becomes mindless. But. There is something to be said for the comfort of knowing what is going to happen especially if the ritual words have great meaning. At the church where I grew up, the chalice lighter was always one of the kids. There is something to be said against having the kids up front just for show. But. There is something to be said for letting everyone light the chalice and participate in this ritual. But. There is something to be said against small kids playing with fire. But. There something to the argument that having the young people participate in services may encourage them to stay UU when they are older. In the end, I like the reflective talks at UUYO. And I also like the ones in the hymnal.
From reading #452. Life is a gift for which we are grateful. We gather in community to celebrate the glories and the mysteries of this great gift. (Marjorie Montgomery)
Cat Children:
(Cat children come out, meow, go every which way and act like cats.)
Explanation of Cat People:
These people are representative of Cat people. No, they don’t have fur and are hairy.
You can go back to you’re seats now. (cats just keep going every which way)
Cat people do their own thing and are very independent. They sometimes care what other people think, and sometimes not.
As you can tell from these Cat children, they do their own thing, and do not always hear what other people say.
In a small church, this is the people that keep the church going by mowing the lawn, cleaning up after the service, etc.
They usually don’t ask and don’t expect thanks. They just do their thing.
Cat people do not like rules and find them confining. In fact, they usually rebel against rules. But they actually have a lot of unwritten rules that other people are just supposed to know.
Children’s Stories:
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’ S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
9:40 am – Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am – Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon – Oh Boy! Kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm – Oh Boy! The garden! My favorite!
4:00 pm – Oh Boy! Kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm – Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm – Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm – Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm – Oh Boy! Sleeping in moms bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’ S DAILY DIARY
Day 183 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of ” allergies. ” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
Dog Children:
(the children come out and play follow the leader and follow the leader of the pack, wherever the leader goes.)
Explanation of Dog People:
These people are representative of Dog people. You can go back to you’re seats now. (all of the dog’s go back to their seats)
Dog people like to follow a leader but do not have to always follow a leader. The Leader more or less guides the dog people. Dog people also like to quote-have their stomachs scratched. This means that they like to be recognized for their achievements and the time that they have spent working on something.
In a small church, the majority of the people are Cat people, sometimes up to about 90% for very small churches. As the church grows, more Dog people join and the percentage of Cat goes down. The Cat people do not leave, just more Dog people join. More things need to get done, so the new Dog people assume some of the mantle of responsibility.
Homily
So what does all of this have to do with conflict resolution? Most people in this church are either a Cat person or a Dog person. Cat people don’t like a leader and do their own thing while a Dog person likes a leader. Can we immediately see a little bit of conflict right from the get-go? In a church this size, their has to be leaders for certain things or the church will become total anarchy. But wait a minute-Cat people don’t like leaders-what now??!!
I can tell you what most churches, organizations, and businesses do. They establish a power structure with Leaders and people in charge. They then establish some rules to keep the power structure in power.
Cat people have a large issue working for somebody because they just want to do their thing. They migrate to be the leaders. As a leader they do their own thing but they do not like to make rules and they like to have things done their way. They usually take on a lot of the workload for their projects because they don’t have a lot of instructions. If Dog people help them, this kind of leader does not express thanks because they are do not expect it and forget that other people need it.
When Dog people are in charge, they want the leaders to establish what is needed. They then establish the rules and expect people to follow them as they would do. They have an issue with Cat people that like to do their own thing and quote-ask for forgiveness later.
I am a Cat person. I was the head of the Silent Auction at my daughters school. It was part of a larger Gala and the Gala Chairman just let me do my thing with no rules or anything else. I was in heaven. Afterwards, the Chairman recognized everybody. I was embarrassed about the recognition and asked her about it. She stated that most people need it and it really helps with moral. This made me think for a second. When I was the Gala Chairman the next year, I praised people throughout the whole process. It was amazing what was accomplished because I was able to see things from their perspective. Even though I do not like rules and do not like to be praised, quite a few people on the committee needed it, so for the people that needed it, I made up guidelines to follow and what was expected. I also made sure that I recognized them each and every step of the way.
There is no special magic formula for working with other people. What is helpful is if you recognize how other people act. If you know that you are a Cat person, it is good to recognize people and to make instructions to help other people that need it. If you are a Dog person, please understand that some people do not like rules and that you have to keep reminding them to use them. Please also do not get mad if certain people get embarrassed if they do not want to be recognized for what they do.
There is also no magical formula for keeping New Year’s resolutions whether it is to be kinder to others, to lose 10 pounds, to quit smoking etc. There are, however, tactics to improve the likelihood of success. The first piece of advice you heard in the reading earlier. Keep your plan to yourself will help trick your brain. Second, write down your goals. Studies have also shown that those with written goals are more likely to achieve them. Maybe there is more accountability to something written down. Third, a lesson from quality management principles is to have clear quantitative goals. There is a difference between “Get in Shape” versus “Go to the gym three times a week for 30 minutes on the elliptical machine”. For the latter you can track if you are doing it and if necessary adjust the goal or adjust your behavior.